the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
PANTIES FOUND
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