Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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