I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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