I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
