the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
