I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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