i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
