There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
