My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
