if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
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