He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
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