Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
