Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
