Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
