I'm eating all of the evidence.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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