Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
