woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
