K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Randomize
