You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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