Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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