i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
