ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
