i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
