just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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