he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
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