Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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