i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
