We named our party play list daddy issues
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
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