Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
