I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
