Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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