Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
