How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
