My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
