First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
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