Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You left your phone here
Wait...
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