my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
