Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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