I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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