Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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