you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize