just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
