No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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