a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
