life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
