Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'm too high and old for this...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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