evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Dignity is for republicans.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He? As in you personified your dick?
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
