Have you finally orgasmed yet?
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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