Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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