i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
