There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
