I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
