Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Vodka?
Forever.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
