We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
