honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
