Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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