we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
